Maxim Magazine has their finger on the pulse of the American Man.

Nothing on earth, besides Beyonce, Tyra Banks, Sean Hannity, and Meryl Streep, annoys me more than Maxim magazine. Actually, it's any mens magazine for that matter. How out-of-touch can you be with your target audience. It's almost like the editors of mens magazines are getting consulted by the Republican Party because neither have a clue to whom they're marketing. I don't have one ounce of homophobia, but I'm pretty sure every editor for Maxim, Playboy, Esquire, FHM, GQ are gay. It doesn't matter to me because I don't buy those stupid magazines anyway. But if I did, I certainly wouldn't have Katy Perry at the top of 2010's Maxim's Hot 100 List. That's just re-damn-diculous. She's not the best looking girl at a drag show. Case in Point:

Katy Perry-->#1
Alessandra Ambrosio-->#63

Katy Perry-->#1
Kelly Brook-->#89

Katy Perry-->#1
Marissa Miller-->#10

Katy Perry-->#1
Blake Lively-->#4

Are those numbers jokes? Does higher numbers mean a better score? Is this a golf or bowling hotness score? There's no way you can convince me that these magazines are trying to move copies, let alone, sell to men. I wouldn't purchase Maxim Magazine if you held a gun to my head while you fed my dog an anti-freeze smoothie. These people are so clueless they couldn't sell sexual fantasy unless it's wrapped in size 14 high heels, Adam's apples, and dancing to Reba's Fancy or anything by Cher. It's not that I care, just don't hand me an apple and tell me it's a pear. That's insulting. Also, that's why you can't sell magazines.

Somebody been eatin' deep fried pasta cake

In 2007, Elisha Cuthbert played a porn star in Girl Next Door, where she moves in next door to a dorky high school kid and falls in love with him. Most importantly, in 2007 she looked like this:

and like this:


As you can tell from the picture below, Elisha must have moved because the girl living next door now is fat. I just don't get girls in Hollywood. Basically, the only thing they have to do is exercise, eat right and continue to look good and they guarantee themselves tons of money. That must be harder than kicking black-tar heroin because it seems every female celebrity becomes a sea donkey at some point. Elisha, lay off the carbs.

Jesus v. Bloggers

While I don't wish to become preoccupied with the matter of anonymous trash bloggers soiling the Internet, I was thinking - during my drive from my residence to the 3:00 PM Mass at Holy Family - about the endless grief Jesus would have had to endure had anonymous bloggers been around to trash him on the Internet.

I can imagine the Blog Headlines:

Illegitimate Son of Carpenter's Wife Son of Satan

Road Bums Grift for Food and Lodging

Jesus Gets Hot Oil Rub-down From Whore

You all get the idea? I bet you can picture some loon sitting at their computer to shrieking their hatred onto the net - just for the sake of doing so and knowing that they can hide their true identity and avoid moral responsibility.

I have been saddened to watch a colleague-in-ministry undergo a hideous series of vulgar attacks by an anonymous blogger. He and I have spoken about this exercise in sickness and I have been impressed with his attitude - "the truth will always break through the darkness of evil."

We both agree that if Jesus begun his public ministry in this time in history - the sickness of some bloggers would make the passion of Jesus pale by comparison.

It at time that I believe the best course of action to take is to deeply take into heart the words of Jesus himself: "Father, they do not know what they do."

Sincerely Yours in Christ,

+James Alan Wilkowski

Evangelical Catholic Bishop for the Diocese of the Northwest
Chicago, Illinois

www.evangelicalcatholicchurch.org/northwest.htm

A Reminder to British Petroleum: Clean Up Your Mess

I realize that I am speaking to the choir when I say that the disaster created by British Petroleum has caused great harm to the safety of our planet.

I am not an expert in the field of oil drilling. I would hope that the experts in their field can come up with a solution to cap off this well and stop the oil for flowing into our ocean.

BP has been very quick to say that they wish to take responsibility for the disaster - but only to a certain limit.

I am sorry to point out that BP cannot hide behind "limits."

They are the cause of this mess and it is their mess to clean up. No matter how much it takes.

Sincerely Yours in Chirst,

+James Alan Wilkowski

Evangelical Catholic Bishop for the Diocese of the Northwest
Chicago, Illinois

www.evangelicalcatholicchurch.org/northwest.htm

Jennifer Anniston is an effortless beauty

Jennifer Anniston should wake up every day and thank her lucky stars that Brad Pitt got drunk one night and decided to love her. If it weren't for him, she would be David Schwimmer or Matt LeBlanc. It's no wonder she can't get over him and orchestrates herself to cover magazines that he might read like, Architectural Digest. Remove her rhinoplasty and she's this: (UH OH).

Ch...Ch...Ch...Chia

Socialite, make-believe actor, and notorious butter-face, Audrina Patridge, has finally realized her stock should be shorted and has settled for a relationship with her male unfamous counterpart, Ryan Cabrerra. At least she knows her place on the evolutionary ladder of reproductive fitness. Every single time she leaves her house, I bet she refers to her Post-It note attached to her fridge: Accentuate expensive drips of golden silicone honey to divert attention from Chia Pet boyfriend. Hollywood has become a complete joke. Imagine Clark Gable, Katharine Hepburn, Marlon Brando, Ingrid Bergman, Humphrey Bogart, Grace Kelly, Carey Grant, or Mae West hanging out at a Hollywood Party with the cast from the The Hills or Jersey Shore. I hate Hollywood more than Whitney Houston.

Am I the only one that doesn't get it...?

First if all, I have no effing clue who Christina Hendricks is...seriously. Second of all, if she was some smoking hot girl, I wouldn't care because I could still appreciate hotness within the enigma of anonymity. Except honestly, I've never seen this chick once unless her GINORMOUS breasts were accentuated up to her chin and her ridiculous red hair colored to a red found only in Crayola 128. She's just a walking hyperbole of what a woman should look like, which ironically, just doesn't work. Any one of the things she has going for her would typically work, but all in unison, FAIL. She looks like the Bride of Frankenstein and that freaks me the F out. This is exactly how I know that monthly magazines have "Jumped the Shark". When Esquire makes this chit Sexiest Woman Alive, I want to rip off my genitals and send them to Esquire. This chick, in the real world, wouldn't be the hottest chick on third shift as a roller skating server at Sonic. Just another chalked up reason why Hollywood sucks more than Cancer.