Hershey’s makes millions of Kisses each day. I’m just asking for one.

Christina Hendricks will light a red carpet on fire. When I say light on fire, I mean people will self immulate just so they don't look directly into the eyes of the beast. Someone once told me this girl was like, "1950's voluptuous pretty." So, based on that sentence, I deduce that in the 50's men liked women that looked like hideous sea donkey hybrids of sterility and eminent death, or just red heads that can cripple all-you-can-eat buffets. Either way, I'm so glad me and my penis didn't grow up in the 50's cause we would've been so pissed. In the words of Jackie Martling, this chick is a two bagger. One bag on her head and one on mine in case hers falls off. If this can be a sex symbol in Hollywood, that town is even more pathetic than I thought.

God, she's so pretty.

Christina Hendricks was photographed spending her time between takes violently burning heaters in hopes of suppressing her insatiable appetite. Obviously, it's working...working the same way deep fried oreo and pork chop milk shake diets work.

In the latest edition of Harper's Bazaar, Hendricks revealed to the curious readers just how irresistible she is to both men and women and how confusingly arrogant she is about her obesity body and good looks:

“Women hit on me,” she chuckles. “My husband thinks it’s so odd that so many women hit on me.” Gay men too. “They say to me, ‘Well, I’m not straight, but if I was…’ I think it’s so flattering.”

"When the attention started to become about my figure, I was surprised, because it wasn’t something I was focused on. And then it became very positive, and people were saying very nice things. A fan approached her and said, “Excuse me, I just want to tell you that I watch your show, and you make me feel better about myself. I am a curvy woman and you’ve made me feel sexy and beautiful.’ I got teary eyed.”

I'm not the Oracle at Delphi, or one of those poverty stricken oxy addict hippies camouflaging themselves as fortune tellers, but let me go out on a limb and say Christina Hendricks was shocked people were talking positive about her figure because there's nothing positive to say, that is, unless you like marshmallows that smell like cigarettes. If I knew everything about everything, I would never know why this chick is on television. Mad Men is one of those shows like Arrested Development. Critics and everyone that think themselves smarter than they really are like these shows. Yeah, Mad Men might win an Emmy or two, but who cares. I love television. I love movies. I've never seen Mad Men once and I never saw that piece of shit The English Patient, and it won like a thousand Oscars one year. Now, I wouldn't watch Mad Men just because this dumb ass is on the show. She better thank to the good Lord men are dumb and still infatuated with tits. This chick actually makes me physically ill to look at her. Couple that with arrogance and tons of money and kick me in the nuts. I'd rather bang Pam Anderson and Courtney Love back to back without protection than spend one minute in a room with this chick naked.

What the hell is this?

The mystery is solved. Christina Hendricks is the Chupacabra. This is precisely how I know Hollywood is complete and total bullshit. There's about a handful of truly talented and/or beautiful people left in the world of celebrity. Seriously. This girl is a total mess. I know it's a bad picture, but still. I could live with a pack of wolves for a decade, get pulled out of my den, and I could muster a better look than this. There's so much wrong with her, I can't keep track. It's sensory overload. Either she is about a year from ordering a rascal to drive her around the supermarket, or she buried her feet in a bee hive for three hours before this event. It's like a Mr Potato head for actresses. None of her features seem to match. Her hair is a disaster, her eyes look they were taken from two different people, and God only knows what's happening with her dislocated patella. This is no joke. I say this with all seriousness. When I look at this photo, I actually fear for my life.

I just don't get it...

Christina Hendricks, of the Mad-Men-cult-following-fame, showed up to the Emmy's last night leaving people wondering why in the hell she's famous. I know I have a gift of reducing women to sundry anatomic metaphors, but are men so shallow that if someone has large breasts, they're instantly famous? I usually would unequivocally answer yes, but this chick? I simply can't buy that. This chick wouldn't be the hottest girl in any Atlanta area Waffle House at 3:23am on a random Wednesday. Seriously. There's hardly one attractive thing about her...and it's not even what you're thinking. It boggles my mind that you can give a girl red hair, bazookas, a hit show and a fancy dress and she's a sex symbol. There are 40 year old virgins that wouldn't have sex with this girl.

Am I the only one that doesn't get it...?

First if all, I have no effing clue who Christina Hendricks is...seriously. Second of all, if she was some smoking hot girl, I wouldn't care because I could still appreciate hotness within the enigma of anonymity. Except honestly, I've never seen this chick once unless her GINORMOUS breasts were accentuated up to her chin and her ridiculous red hair colored to a red found only in Crayola 128. She's just a walking hyperbole of what a woman should look like, which ironically, just doesn't work. Any one of the things she has going for her would typically work, but all in unison, FAIL. She looks like the Bride of Frankenstein and that freaks me the F out. This is exactly how I know that monthly magazines have "Jumped the Shark". When Esquire makes this chit Sexiest Woman Alive, I want to rip off my genitals and send them to Esquire. This chick, in the real world, wouldn't be the hottest chick on third shift as a roller skating server at Sonic. Just another chalked up reason why Hollywood sucks more than Cancer.