Kelly, I thought we agreed to keep this quiet.

This is my tribute to British hottie Kelly Brook. Since she announced her pregnancy last week, I am here to read her last rights of hotness. Her once obviously flawless body dripping with sexual energy and desire will be mutilated by the host she'll carry for 9 months. It will never be the same again. Certain women shouldn't be allowed to reproduce, namely, Kelly Brook. As I said last week, if you can look at these pictures without getting that funny feeling in your basement, you should go ahead and come out to your parents, because trust me, they already know.

Guard it with your life...

If there's one thing that a woman has that can ensure her youth in a cruel world where men age more gracefully, it's long hair. It's the one commodity that should never be relinquished. We all know it has to go at some point, but don't rush it please. If it were up to me, I think that old ass Rose in Titanic looked better with long hair and she was like 140 or something. Kelly Brook is one of the hottest women on the planet and now, with this helmet, she looks like some aging mom from a Harry Potter movie. It's so unnerving to witness such a demise of elite beauty. I wonder what goes through the head of a woman as she sits in the chair and requests this god awful lettuce. I'm simply disgusted. Kelly Brook stole my heart when she took her clothes off in Survival Island and then again in Piranha 3-D, but now, with this look, I'm trying to be seduced by kindergarten teacher from rural Iowa.

Maxim Magazine has their finger on the pulse of the American Man.

Nothing on earth, besides Beyonce, Tyra Banks, Sean Hannity, and Meryl Streep, annoys me more than Maxim magazine. Actually, it's any mens magazine for that matter. How out-of-touch can you be with your target audience. It's almost like the editors of mens magazines are getting consulted by the Republican Party because neither have a clue to whom they're marketing. I don't have one ounce of homophobia, but I'm pretty sure every editor for Maxim, Playboy, Esquire, FHM, GQ are gay. It doesn't matter to me because I don't buy those stupid magazines anyway. But if I did, I certainly wouldn't have Katy Perry at the top of 2010's Maxim's Hot 100 List. That's just re-damn-diculous. She's not the best looking girl at a drag show. Case in Point:

Katy Perry-->#1
Alessandra Ambrosio-->#63

Katy Perry-->#1
Kelly Brook-->#89

Katy Perry-->#1
Marissa Miller-->#10

Katy Perry-->#1
Blake Lively-->#4

Are those numbers jokes? Does higher numbers mean a better score? Is this a golf or bowling hotness score? There's no way you can convince me that these magazines are trying to move copies, let alone, sell to men. I wouldn't purchase Maxim Magazine if you held a gun to my head while you fed my dog an anti-freeze smoothie. These people are so clueless they couldn't sell sexual fantasy unless it's wrapped in size 14 high heels, Adam's apples, and dancing to Reba's Fancy or anything by Cher. It's not that I care, just don't hand me an apple and tell me it's a pear. That's insulting. Also, that's why you can't sell magazines.