Ladies...trust me on this one.

For all the women out there salivating over the thought of being able to wear clothes without feeling self conscious, being able to shop for bikinis with confidence, lingerie, etc, please stop. I have many theories that usually hold no water. In fact, most of everything I say I just make up on the spot to offend someone or to illicit some less carefully constructed and/or ignorant retort. Sure, I'm full of it, but not about this. Listen carefully ladies.

Breast implants make you fat. This is especially true if you're not famous, however, usually true if you are. The reason for this is very simple. It's like a dog chasing its tail. You see, almost inevitably, every girl that gets home after surgery wishes they had gone bigger. Well, be glad you didn't. That would've just stamped your ticket on the obesity train...first class dining cabin. The algorithm is quite simple. It goes as follows:

Surgery

New wardrobe (Always infinitely more slutty than ever dressed before)

Now since your breasts are more prominent, the appearance is much more forgiving to weight gain. With your chest holding out your shirt, no one notices how fat your stomach has gotten. I have...and your face. Now, considering your recent weight gain, you're even more depressed you didn't go bigger. In fact, it hardly looks like you got an augmentation at this point. I agree...who could tell since you put on a 10or 20 spot. Instead of losing weight, which is completely logical, much safer, and thousands of dollars cheaper, you get em bigger. This is precisely how fun bags become angels of hypertension and obesity. Not only do I not like them, I feel they're gonna be single handedly, well maybe not single, but responsible for the decline of mankind.

This photo was released this week and was taken by Playboy several years back featuring a less obese, less top heavy Christina Hendricks. Yes, her skin still looks translucent, but she almost has humanesque proportions. If you read my blog, you'll know I think Christina Hendricks looks like a giant fire hydrant made of Play-Doh. I don't get it, nor will I ever get it. She wouldn't be the hottest chick inside a Birmingham Alabama Lane Bryant store. Regardless, sometime between then and now, Xtina decided to eat a lot of Golden Corral and fall in love with saline breast augmentations. To go from an attractive Playboy model that looks like a human born without melanin, to this crimson blimp of death and destruction does nothing but validate my theory. You could say she's more famous with GG breasts and cankles, but I would say she's more famous because for years in Hollywood, all it takes to be famous is being horizontally gifted. I'm sure she's no different.