Sorry for the Holiday Hiatus...

I wanted to blog over the Thanksgiving weekend, but honestly, my electrolyte levels were dangerously low and my hands shook too badly as my liver was on the brink of failure. It's taken until today to get the jaundice-yellow to leave the sclera of my eye and for my 4am night sweats to subside. My four day bender was so intense, I began to swing the whiffle ball bat like Mickey mantle. Nonetheless, I of course wouldn't take back one minute of my championship beer pong run, extensive Wolf Mountain wine tasting, my subpar A cappella Gin and Juice performance, or my 0-3 cricket record. The pics included may or not be my family and me gathered around the dinner table and engaging in rigmarole around the house.

It's not too late, Taylor, please apologize.

It's taken me a few days to regain my hearing after the howling pack of wolves a.k.a. singers/entertainers took the stage at the AMA's. I've wanted to comment, but it was literally too painful to endure. Where have singers disappeared to? Seriously. Say what you want, but when Elvis, The Beatles, Elton John, Billy Joel, Frank Sinatra, took/take the stage, you knew you were at least going to get artists that could hit a note and stay on key. This video of Taylor Swift, the highest selling artist of 2010, sounds like someone is murdering her. Honestly, I can say I've never seen a live performance this badly performed. I'm a marginal singer, but I'm convinced I could be less pitchy than this. Ironically, Taylor mixes Timbaland's "Apologize" into the middle of her song, "Back to December," and boy, was an apology ever needed. She should actually forgo the apology and just send my cochlear implants after that torture. It's obvious how well a studio, auto tune and other technology can make someone sound when you hear live versions of ridiculously successful artists like Taylor Swift sound so heinous. Also, can someone please send her an email and tell her to get her veneers replaced. Apparently, she went to the same cosmetic dentist that Hillary Duff, Gary Busey and Matt Dillon's character from Something About Mary went to. When I was 6 years old and my parents and I would leave The Golden Corral Steakhouse, I would beg my father for a quarter for Chicklet gum. Little did I know, 26 years later, I would be watching Taylor Swift and have the sudden urge for both The Golden Corral and Chicklet gum. Nice Teeth. Hope they win.
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Sean Penn tears up the AMA's

I can't imagine the 3 people, besides Taylor Swift's mom, that actually watched the AMA's could've thought this was entertainment. I saw two performances and without an ounce of hyperbole, they were the two worst live performances I have ever seen. As for Ke$ha, seeing this girl walking red carpets is like seeing OJ lead candle light vigils for murder victims. I'd rather shove my penis a bee hive then a rusty bear trap covered with syphilis than get anywhere near Ke$ha's fug ass. If I saw this coming toward me in a dark alley on a Saturday night, I would have two thoughts. 1, Are you Sean Penn cause I wanna kick your ass. 2, please don't kill me Jason Vorhees.

Guard it with your life...

If there's one thing that a woman has that can ensure her youth in a cruel world where men age more gracefully, it's long hair. It's the one commodity that should never be relinquished. We all know it has to go at some point, but don't rush it please. If it were up to me, I think that old ass Rose in Titanic looked better with long hair and she was like 140 or something. Kelly Brook is one of the hottest women on the planet and now, with this helmet, she looks like some aging mom from a Harry Potter movie. It's so unnerving to witness such a demise of elite beauty. I wonder what goes through the head of a woman as she sits in the chair and requests this god awful lettuce. I'm simply disgusted. Kelly Brook stole my heart when she took her clothes off in Survival Island and then again in Piranha 3-D, but now, with this look, I'm trying to be seduced by kindergarten teacher from rural Iowa.

Dry Docked

everything now aloft
nothing is official
i'm as unsure of next week as I am of next year
this makes the hours of a single day seem scattered as 24 shades of half light
the army might ground me, but I already have
boots on the ground as the best case scenario, but even heading home?

i had an eerie run in with a sergeant who just came to Bragg from the unit i have orders for in Drum: April deployment to an area near Kandahar, south Afghanistan he told me and added: "...the worst a.o. in theater...better keep your finger on the trigger from the time you walk off the plane..."
but i don't know what's gonna happen now

once i left for good, when i joined, i finally had a home
after all the years
the family all in one town, once again
now that there is somewhere to return to, i can't
or is that the direction things are going?
the wilderness is for wandering, and i'm feeling kinda lost without it
years in the wilderness, wasted years
i can't imagine reality
as i face my blindness

sober at dawn, sober at dusk
just sleep for my bed rather than sleeping it off
last night was a big deal
and only i knew it
i sat at a table, socially awkward with friends, various bottles about, and me, the only one drinking water
perhaps the first time in my life this has ever happened but...
i did it

but it's just a bust balloon
a victory that felt like an exercise
could smell their beer and wine the whole time
even after an expensive steak arrived in front of me
there is never a thrill in doing the right thing, just the boring prudence
the mundane avoidance of recovering from thrills

could be this is the humble adulthood i've sometimes pretended
but grounded?
no flying, no falling, just earth, my feet, and relentless gravity
not getting any younger, just getting old a little less quickly
just as my ducks are in a row
i let the chicken cross the road

i live with the qualitative shift of a rational recovery that only i know by heart
the heads in battalion want to quantify my progress with incidents and attendance
sergeant major asked why i joined the army
part of my explanation was that at the time i was
"...looking for a rudder..."
he said im about to be lost at sea without a jacket

i know better
but have no proof
anchored on time
i'm not hiding a weapon of mass destruction
just opening up a history of self destruction...

...releasing it

and i know my progress is real

Wait a doggone second...they're what?

Surely you're pulling my leg. The sitch and the 16 and Pregnant poster child were chosen by Candies as the spokespeople for their abstinence campaign? I can only think the executives at Candies are pointing at pictures of the average American and laughing like humans do at the gorilla exhibits, "look, they're so funny." Selecting these two as models for abstinence is like letting magic Johnson teach teenagers about wearing condoms, or Jeffrey Dahmer being selected by PETA as vegetarian of the 20th century, or Lindsay Lohan leading the anti-penis campaign. I'm 32 years old and I've never witnessed something less rational. Holy smokes, I've never been more over two numbskulls.

I admit, I'm strangely interested.

We were really concerned with the Y2K the last time I dreamed about making the sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. Specifically, it was right after I saw Great Expectations and before Shakespeare in Love. Anyway, tomorrow night she's on that show all all my gay friends (except you JB), tell me to watch. Now I haven't seen one episode of Glee, but I have to admit, this seems really entertaining. I'm not ashamed to admit my affection for show tunes and top 40. I'm not sold on this Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines transformation Gwyneth is working on, however. In her country song I can't help but think of The Upper East Side when she sings about the "Ground she grew up on". Surely when she refers to being Country Strong, she's referring to New York's United Nations Building on the East River. Yeah, I know she's playing a character, but come on guys. This movie looks ri-GD-diculous. I'd rather someone slam a hot poker into my eye. Stick with Cee-Lo Green...that, I can tolerate.